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Studies have shown that there are a high number of people suffering with eating
disorders who have been subjected to some form of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. I
do not believe studies can give an accurate percentage since many victims of abuse repress
the memories or have disassociated themselves from the abuse. Many of these people have
found that their eating disorders help to protect them, repress or block out the memories,
and numbed their feelings. Facing issues of abuse can be very painful, so most people feel
they need to forget about it or make the memories disappear.
Many people blame themselves for the abuse and keep it a secret for years. Since it is so
hard to understand why someone would do such horrible things to another human being, the
victims usually assume they must have done something wrong to deserve it. They usually
keep it a secret because of the shame and guilt they feel. They may also fear that no one
will believe them it they talk about it or they may have been threatened by their abuser
not to tell. For these victims, sometimes their eating disorders become their only means
of coping and expressing their emotions. Many bulimics and compulsive eaters reveal that
bingeing is their way of stuffing down the emotions they feel. Food becomes their only
source of comfort and it can help to numb their feelings, even though it is only
temporary. Many will tell you that food is the one thing that is always there for them.
Food does not yell at them, hurt them and will never leave them. It becomes the one thing
in their life that brings them comfort and security. Some victims of abuse believe that if
they are too thin or too obese, it will make them unattractive and the abuse will stop.
Others may believe that by not eating they can just fade away and die, then the abuse will
have to end. Other victims have expressed a need to be in control in the areas of food.
They feel the need to control the food that goes in and out of their bodies, since they
felt they had no control over what was happening to their bodies during the abuse. Purging
is another way for abuse victims to release their emotions. If they believe they cannot
tell anyone about the abuse and express the emotions they are experiencing, purging may be
the only way they know how to get those feelings out. Many feel relieved and calm after
purging, but it is only temporary and that is why the cycle continues.
When people who have repressed or blocked out the abuse start having memories, it is a
terrifying experience for them. They many find themselves experiencing some of the
following emotions and feelings:
- Depression
- Crying uncontrollably
- Nightmares
- Panic & anxiety attacks
- Flashbacks
- Retriggering
- Feelings of being hopeless
- Feelings of being crazy
- Confusion
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- Inability to function
- Denial
- Disbelief
- Shame
- Guilt
- Embarrassment
- Fear & terror
- Anger
- Rage
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- Feeling numb
- Shock
- Wanting to isolate
- Physical body sensations
- Feeling dirty
- Inability to function in relationship
- Nausea and vomiting
- Suicidal thoughts
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For many, the eating disorder has been their only means of survival for many years and
it is difficult to recover because of the fear to give it up. They are not sure if they
can survive without their eating disorder.
Abuse survivor’s need to be treated in a safe environment with a therapist who they
like and trust. A therapist should never push them to talk about the abuse. They need to
be allowed to recall the abuse at a pace that feels safest for them. Dealing with issues
of abuse can cause some very intense feelings, which can cause the eating disorder to go
out of control. It is during these times that the person will probably need more emotional
support to get through it. If their health is at risk, there may be a need for
hospitalization. It is important that the person is reassured that it is okay to talk
about the abuse. If the person finds it too difficult to express themselves verbally,
writing is a good way for them to express what happened and how they are feeling.
Dealing with memories of abuse can be very painful and difficult. At times you may feel
like you are reliving the abuse. If your memories are flooding back and you feel like you
are re-experiencing the abuse, you may feel like you are going crazy and want to die. You
will probably want to isolate yourself and not talk to anyone. It is during this time that
you need to reach out to someone, especially if you have thoughts of harming yourself or
if you are suicidal. It could be a family member, friend, therapist, clergyman, or anyone
that you trust. It is better to have someone to talk to and help your through it, rather
than having to experience the feelings, emotions and pain all alone. Having someone to
turn to and support you will help you feel less alone and make the difficult times a
little easier to get through.
Your eating disorder may have helped you block out the feelings for a while, but it is a
very destructive way of coping. It will never make the memories disappear permanently.
Working with a qualified professional can help you come to terms with the abuse and can
help you to heal the child inside of you who has been hurting for far too long. There are
two things I would like all survivors’ of abuse to remember. First, it was not your
fault, you did nothing wrong and you did not deserve it. Second, you do not have to keep
secrets anymore because it really is okay to talk about it.
Emotional Abuse
- teasing
- threats
- insults
- stalking
- emotional abandonment
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- unreasonable demands
- criticizing
- belittling
- rejection
- racism
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Physical Abuse
- hitting
- pushing
- shoving
- burning
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- shaking
- kicking
- beatings
- confinements
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- being tied (i.e. to chairs, beds, etc.)
- bruising
- failing to provide necessities for life
- forced sexual activity
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Sexual Abuse
- sexual touching, fondling,
kissing or hugging
- oral and anal sex
- forced masturbation on
self or abuser
- incest
- forced to watch adults
in sexual behaviors
- raped or penetrated
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- date rape
- sodomy
- exhibitionism and
sexual exploitation
- forced to watch
pornographic material
- forced to pose for
sexual pictures
- sexual torture
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Below is a story written by a very dear friend who suffered from abuse and is
definitely a survivor!!! She was kind enough to allow me to share the story with all of
you.
The Transformation
One day I looked over my life and found myself quite confused. I was
experiencing anger and hurt over events that were painful. I found it difficult to see
joyful periods. I was uncertain of the path I was following. If I only looked to my past,
I had little hope for the future. Looking for some understanding I began to pray. As I sat
quietly, I felt a sense of peace and I waited. Slowly an image of an innocent child came
to mind. She came into this world a tiny infant, complete in every way, dependant on those
around her to take care of her needs. I viewed myself like a picture window, with clear
glass and a white frame. As my journey began, I could not see clearly, I need a helping
hand to guide me. Later on someone threw a stone. It hit the glass and made a small crack
that I could not fix. Many stones came and cracked my spirit with each blow. Eventually it
fell and broke. I could not get back up. I did not know how. Many walked by, ignoring the
broken pieces. Some came by and crushed me under their feet. These images disturbed me and
I went back to God and prayed. I felt much sadness and asked many questions. I wanted to
know what the future could hold. As I sat quietly and waited, I felt a gentleness touch my
heart. I felt my spirit cry out, "God, at this moment
all I have is a pile of broken glass I cannot put back together." As
tears rolled down my cheeks, I felt a comfort surround me. God spoke to my heart and said, "My dear child, I never wanted to see you hurt. I have saved
every teardrop. I will wash away your pain. You will have joy. I have many wonderful plans
for you, more wonderful than you can imagine. Allow me to guide you. I will transform you
into something new. Those pieces of glass will be full of color and life. I will help you
put the pieces together." Then I could see myself becoming a
beautiful stained glass window. As the sun shone through, the most magnificent colors were
glowing. I’m grateful I am no longer alone.
Michelle Comeau- 27
September 23, 1997
Thank you so much Michelle and may God Bless you always.
"About 50,000 names are etched into the Vietnam War
Memorial. If we made a memorial
to children who have been sexually abused, it would be more than 1300 times the size of
the Vietnam memorial. If we included other forms of child abuse it would be more than
7500 times its size. But these are not lives lost in military combat. These are souls lost
in a betrayal and wounding that is so deep that most are unable to heal and reconnect
with self, others and God without long term recovery."
Author - Charles L. Whitfield, M.D.
(From the book Memory and Abuse, 1995)
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