Talking to someone with an eating disorder about their condition can be awkward, both for you and for the person to whom you are speaking. Many people with eating disorders try to hide the problem from friends and family members. If someone you care about shows signs of an eating disorder, though, you may need to broach the subject. Here are a few things to keep in mind when talking to someone with an eating disorder.
- Don’t make the focus of the conversation weight or food. They aren’t the real issues.
- Don’t talk about their weight or appearance.
- Let them know they aren’t alone, that you love them and that you want to help however you can.
- Don’t make the dinner table a battleground and don’t try to make them eat.
- Encourage loved ones with eating disorders to get professional help.
- Don’t blame them for problems and don’t be angry at them. They have an illness and it’s not their fault.
- When talking to someone with an eating disorder, listen a lot and don’t be in a hurry to give advice or try to solve the problem for them.
- Be a friend. Don’t try to take on the role of therapist.
You also want to pay close attention to the things you say to people with eating disorders. Sometimes well-meaning friends or family members end up saying hurtful things without meaning to. Avoid the following comments when talking to someone with an eating disorder.
- Just sit down and eat something. Then you won’t have this problem. Well, yes, that’s true. If an anorexic person could just sit down and eat, they would not be anorexic. But people with eating disorders don’t choose to have those problems and they can’t just sit down and eat normally.
- You’re not even trying. All you have to do is eat something. That’s not all someone has to do in order to recover from an eating disorder. It would be nice if it was that easy, but it’s not. Someone could be working very hard to recover but you might not be able to see that just by watching what they eat (or don’t eat).
- You’re not trying very hard. If you tried, you’d be getting better instead of getting worse. Again, recovering from an eating disorder is very difficult. If someone does not appear to be improving, or even if they seem to be getting worse, that doesn’t mean they aren’t trying to get better. It’s also possible that they are making progress but you haven’t seen changes in them yet.
- You look awful. Don’t focus on appearance when talking to someone with an eating disorder. It won’t help and might even make things worse by encouraging them to focus even more on their weight.
- You look good. You’ve gained weight. Again, don’t talk about weight or appearance when talking to someone with an eating disorder. Comments like this may be interpreted by people with eating disorders as “Now you’re fat” even though that’s not what you’re trying to say.
- You look like someone with AIDS or cancer. Some people with anorexia do look very ill. There’s no need to point that out, though.
- What did you eat today? This question can cause a lot of anxiety when talking to someone with an eating disorder. If they haven’t eaten, they may feel they have to lie in order to give you an answer that you’ll like. They may fear getting a lecture if they admit they haven’t eaten. If they have eaten, they may feel ashamed of how much they ate (even if it was only a small amount of food) and not want to admit it.
- Why are you doing this to me? While a loved one’s eating disorder does affect you, it’s not really something they are doing to you. If your loved one had cancer, would you ask why they were doing that to you? People don’t develop eating disorders because they want to hurt you or make your life difficult.
- Can’t you see what you’re doing to your family? Again, an eating disorder is not something someone does to anyone. Comments like this might make someone feel guilty but they won’t cure an eating disorder. In fact, self-blame might even make an eating disorder worse!
- If you loved me, you’d eat this. People don’t develop an eating disorder because they don’t love you, and loving you will not cure an eating disorder, either. Comments like this are likely to cause feelings of guilt and sadness, but not likely to help someone recover.
- You’re doing this for attention. People don’t develop an eating disorder to get attention. It’s an illness that develops for a myriad of reasons, but attention seeking isn’t one of them. In fact, many people try to keep their eating disorder hidden from others.
- What will people think? People think all sorts of things. Some people will think someone with an eating disorder needs help, which is correct. Some people will think people with eating disorders are looking for attention or “being bad” in some way, which is incorrect. No one can control what others think. Suggesting that someone with an eating disorder is doing something shameful and that they should get over their disorder so others will not think less of them is not helpful and can actually make things worse. It can also discourage them from getting the help they need.
- You need to get yourself together. Recovering from an eating disorder is difficult and takes time. Take the time to educate yourself about the recovery process and how you can help. Offer your support.
- You might as well quit going to counseling. It’s not helping, anyway. Counseling is not a quick fix for an eating disorder (or any other condition). It takes time. However, if you’re concerned that someone you love is not getting the kind of professional help they need, that’s a different matter. They might need to see a different counselor, but dropping out of counseling is not a good idea. People with disorders like anorexia and bulimia rarely recover without professional help.
- I wish I had your problem. No, you don’t. You might wish you could lose some weight, but you don’t wish you had a potentially deadly disorder. You don’t wish you had serious medical problems and were in significant emotional distress. Saying something like this suggests that you don’t understand how serious eating disorders can be.
- I wish I could throw up every time I eat. That would make it a lot easier to lose weight! No, you don’t want to throw up every time you eat and no, it won’t make anything easier. Having an eating disorder makes life very difficult.
- Once I barely ate anything for a week, so I know what you’re going through. No, you don’t. Not eating for a week is nothing like suffering from anorexia for an extended period of time. Unless you’ve had an actual eating disorder yourself, don’t tell someone you know how they feel. Instead, when talking to someone with an eating disorder, you can say something like, “It must be really hard for you. Can you tell me more about what you’re going through?”
- Wow, you ate well today! When talking to someone with an eating disorder, comments like this suggest they are eating a lot more than normal or more than they should. While you might simply be happy to see them eating well for a change, they may take your comment differently.
- You must have been really hungry today. As with the above comment, pointing out that someone with an eating disorder is eating well might cause them to worry about eating too much. It’s better to keep the focus off of food.
When talking to someone with an eating disorder, emphasize the fact that you care and want to help. People suffering from an eating disorder are most likely to recover when they are surrounded by supportive, loving friends and family. They need professional help as well, of course.
Family and friends may also benefit from some professional help or a support group, too, since coping with a loved one with a serious illness like eating disorders can be very difficult.
Follow this link for more information on talking to and approaching someone with an eating disorder.
Written by: Colleen Thompson
Resources:
-Coping With Someone You Suspect Has An Eating Disorder pamphlet – Sudbury General Hospital Eating Disorders Clinic (information from pamphlet obtained from NEDIC)
-Many thanks to everyone who submitted comments for “what not to say”.